I’ve never cried at funerals…but I may be teary-eyed from the fumes of the burning joss sticks.

"Death is the one thing that connects us all. It reminds us that what's really important is who we've touched, how much we've given. It makes us realize that we have to be good to one another."
[Peter Petrelli, Heroes]

"Death and death alone gives meaning to life and this meaning is entirely negative."
[Georges Poulet]

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
[Harriet Beecher Stowe]

On the morning of December 22nd 2008, I received a call from my mom. Bad news, she said. My uncle Ng Kam Thong, my dad’s eldest brother, has passed away.

December 24th 2008, I found myself at the Gui Yuan Crematiorium in PJ.

I took my time. With my eyes fixed at the face of my late uncle, in my heart I said:

“Dear Uncle Kam Thong, I wish we could have had more time together. I regret you had to go so soon because none of us were prepared for this and as such, it has left all of us in this state. But as much as I grief, I shall not cry because I know you would want us to be strong and carry on.”

I took a deep breath. I needed to gather myself to be able to say this.

“Goodbye Uncle. Rest in peace.”

I placed the white rose on top of the roses that everyone else before me had placed. After one last look at his face, I turned and walked away to join the rest of the family. As I walked, Uncle Eric squeezed my arm, to which I replied by placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. From the even tighter squeeze I got in return, I knew I did something right.

After that, the coffin was nailed shut. Prayers, rituals and the subsequent black parade commenced. It all ended with the coffin being loaded and shut in the incinerator to be consumed by those red-hot flames.

I did not shed a single tear at all.

REST IN PEACE

NG KAM THONG (1946 – 2008)
Beloved son, brother, husband, father, uncle & friend.

Condolences to:
Aunty Molly, Pek Yin, Melissa & Gary
Ng Pak Thong & family
Ng Ping Thong (Uncle Danny) & family
Mustaffa Ng Abdullah (alias Ng Yew Thong) & family
Ng Yoke Thong (Uncle Eric) & family
Ng Su Yin (Aunty Sue)
Relatives, friends & acquaintances who share the loss.

random moment of inspiration II: This Isn't The First Time

You stood me up, you let me down
Slammed my hopes back to the ground
This isn't the first time,
Isn't the first time that I
Closed my eyes, let it by
Give you yet another try
This isn't the first time,
Isn't the first time

I've let you inside...
But you lift me up just to let me down again...

So how many months has it been ya?

PS: I have spent the last half-hour typing a lengthy post only to somehow have the entire content disappear before it could be published. Had to type all over again.

Kriffin' Sith spit.

PPS: TESL group pics taken during B.I.G. available upon request.

So, like the title says.


During the lengthy period of absence from the blogging realms (coincided with my sporadic appearances in the online world), I have had a few ideas for blog posts which I unfortunately could not publish due to a combination of other commitments that require due attention, as well as the fact that I usually take the better part of an hour when typing out blog posts. One of these ideas that I really regret not publishing is a 3-post "trilogy" documenting my sister's engagement. The trilogy is as follows:

1. Oct 10, 2008: Solo journey from UTM to Klang on my bike. Significant because it is my 1st ever nocturnal journey. Took quite a few pics as well.


2. Oct 11, 2008: Sister's engagement to Andrew @ Harith Zekry. Significant also because I met Allie (for the 3rd time ever in our 6-year acquaintance), met her mom(!) and her family, and brought her back home to meet my family :-)


3. Oct 12, 2008: Solo journey back to UTM on bike. Finale to the series.

My readers would also know of the 3 extra-curricular courses that I had to take after my exams (seeing as most of you took those courses as well LOL :-D) and have no doubt written about it as well so I will not be redundant by recounting the experience from my point of view. I'll just say that of all the courses, B.I.G. is the one that I felt wasn't a complete waste of time and am thankful that B.I.G. came last. At least we ended on a high note.

Now for the updates. A few trips to the local hypermarkets, 1 Gunpla-scouting trip to Sunway Pyramid, 1 hour of futsal and lots of staying at home pretty much sums up my holiday so far. Apart from that, downloaded Jedi Academy (lightsabers are sweet!) and a few movies. Have yet to filter/organise the pics I took over the past few months. Educated/updated myself on Star Wars, Gundam 00, South Park and other random stuff I chanced on at Wikipedia.

Guess that's what happens when you're on holiday with less than RM50 in your wallet.

But all hope is not lost. Upcoming Gunpla-shopping trip is in the works, and also a get-together with Allie is definitely something I look forward to. Hopefully everything works out, God-willing.

Lastly, happy Aidiladha to everyone. Go easy on the food, k? :-D

Until next time.

Harith Zekry Chee Heng Loong bin Abdullah

About an hour ago I witnessed a self-proclaimed atheist embrace the Muslim faith. This man, Andrew Chee Heng Loong, is my sister's boyfriend who is to be engaged to her in less than two weeks. Thus, it goes without saying that this means a great deal for all of us in the family.



At about 11.30 a.m. my dad, Andrew Chee Heng Long, our friend Sani & I arrived, not knowing what to expect. Other than filling up some forms & reciting the kalimah syahadah, of course.

We somehow navigated our way into the office building, but only after nearly venturing into the ladies' prayer room, no thanks to the lack of signage in the vicinity. No real harm done, since it's not prayer time anyway.


We didn't need to wait long for our turn. I suppose people don't exactly flock to this place (for whatever reason) like they do in banks, post office and other similar places. I only managed to grab a pic before we were called in to meet the officer-in-charge.

To my pleasant surprise, the officer who greeted us was a woman (I was expecting the stereotypical bearded middle-aged man ^^). And truth be told, I can't help but notice the striking resemblance to a friend from UTM. The greater astonishment came the moment she spoke, because she sounds very much like my friend. Now I wasn't even considering the possibility that this woman is indeed my UTM friend but instead, I was considering the possibility that voices are sort of 'designed' to match with particular faces. Could it be that two people who look alike would also sound alike?

Okay that was off-topic.

My dad listened attentively as the officer (whose name remains a mystery to all of us) asks Andrew what opened his eyes to Islam, what was his motivation, what does he understand about Islam & religion in general (since he was an atheist). Probably my dad would be thinking "here we go again" ^^ since he's been there and done that some 32 years ago.

After some precautionary advice as to how one can't embrace another religion after once you're a Muslim, the Islamization (I'm not sure if that's the proper term or use of it) begins.

Our friendly neighbourhood officer explains to all of us the process of becoming a Muslim by law. Andrew would have to go for a 5-day camping trip....err, I meant an educational trip to Pantai Remis, Kuala Selangor to learn the basics of practising Islam: prayers, doa, reciting Iqra' and pretty the Islamic way of life.

And being the supportive people we are, my dad, Sani and I listened and asked for clarification ourselves. I believe it is important for all of us to be supportive and invest just as much effort in Andrew's education and development as a Muslim.

At long last, Andrew filled up the form that certifies his embracing of the Muslim faith. It is since then that Andrew Chee Heng Long became 'Harith Zekry Chee Heng Loong bin Abdullah'. Whoa, a name that's longer than mine.

First thing that crossed my mind: how would the NRD fit this frikkin' long name onto Andrew's new MyKad? :-D

Secondly: how would the NRD fit Andrew's child's name onto his/her MyKad in the future? :-D

After Andrew completed the form, my father officially became the first legal witness, followed by Sani as the second witness. I became the 3rd 'unofficial' witness, but I witnessed it all the same :-)

For some reason everyone felt the need to pose in front of the building. It was a good group shot, but actually I was trying to get in a candid shot.

Once everything is over and done with, we all headed back home. Thankfully everything went smoothly. Alhamdulillah ^^

random disconnected thoughts | thank you Allie

Truth be told, for the past couple of weeks I've been sort of depressed. Moody, perhaps. Irritable. Unmotivated.

Empty.

...............................................................................

"She loves him more. I'm nowhere near there. Thus the story of my pathetic love life."

"I command you; DIE!!!"

"GN-001/hs-A01 Gundam Avalanche Exia."

"Will somebody kill me please?! Somebody kill me please...I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please...kill me...I want to die...put a bullet through my head..."

"How did it come to this?"

"Now she knows how it feels to not know where she stands in someone's life. Biar merasa sikit."

"Who is your one and only, actually?"

"He needs some sort of assurance before he decides."

"I've gambled enough already. Let them make the first move now."

"Face card, face card....DAMMIT!"

"We all know that will never happen."

"Girls expect guys to make the first move. They can't be the ones chasing after guys. It's too embarassing for them."

"Talk about maintaining face."

"Her hand in mine, we walked through the mall. Not saying a word. Just feeling the warmth in our grasps. I tried sending my feelings for her via emotional vibes, which coincided with the beats of my heart, through the physical link we shared. And wishing it would be returned with similar feelings of her own. As I do so, I felt her fingers tightened their grip on mine. I turned to look at her, and what I saw made me smile."

"Look at yourself."

"Just choose one, for God's sake."

"Do you guys even understand the effin' situation? There are options but there's nothing to choose. Which part of desirable yet unavailable options do you all NOT understand?!"

"He has made his move. They did not respond the way he would have liked."

"It's not like we expected any positive responses anyway."

"So what are we to do now?"

"Maybe I am meant to not have anyone special. You know, like how some people die before they find their other half? I could be one of those."

"Bollocks. You can't be giving up now, can you?"

"It's out of our hands. We can't do anything about it, and they don't look like they'll leave the comfort they currently enjoy. And why should they, if it's for someone like us?"

"He knows it all too well. Don't rub it in."

"This is all effin' bullshit."

"Carl's Jr. We had her favourite beef chilli cheese fries, and I tried the Super Star a friend recommended. She laughed when she saw how much I ate. Heck, I'm not going to pretend in front of her. My belly is too prominent to be disguised and the food's just too damn good."

"Let's see...two Action Base 1, Gundam 00 marker set, Avalanche Exia, Guren Royal Coating...I wonder if 00 Gundam would be out by then. Probably need a few hundred bucks for all these."

"What is it with people who won't walk out of relationships even though it's not there anymore? Says she doesn't feel it anymore but still tells him I love you. Boyfriend literally abandons her but still tells everyone she's in a relationship. Knows he is seeing two girls besides her but still makes plan of getting hitched with him. HULLO?!"

"Forget it and move on. It can be done."

"This emptiness clenches my heart like cold vice. I suppose that doesn't make sense because there's only a void where my heart once was."

"Allie? Honey? Emma? Or what's-her name? Which one will it be?"

"It's definitely....maybe."

"It will all depend on the 11th. That would be the moment of truth."

"When he holds you close, when he pulls you near, when he says the words you've been needing to hear I'll wish I was him because those words those are mine to say to you until the ends of time..."

"It was time to go home. I was reluctant to let her go simply because I don't know when we'll meet again. If we'll ever meet again. Three times in six years does not do justice to the feelings I have for her. Not when I want her to be with me by my side for as long as we both live."

"Z-01 Lancelot. Marching Ever Onward Towards Tomorrow."

"You are my first; that will never change. The feelings I professed all those years ago are still here, and they are for you. They will always be for you. Always."

"There was never a need to choose, you effin' arsehole. You knew the answer to the question all along. You effin' arse."

"He's gotta stop making these impossible choices."

"But how do we know if she knows? She might just end up being oblivious, just like the rest of them."

"Devotion is a beautiful thing often abused."

"Maybe it's just me, but couldn't you believe that everything I said and did wasn't just deceiving? And the tear in your eye, and your calm, hard face makes me wish that I was never brought into this place."

"You know, love, that despite our exploits with other people, I still hope that we do end up with each other in the end."

"I love you, she said. And then I told her, I love you too."

"Those three words really mean a lot to me. Thank you."

"As it does to me when I said it to you. And I still have that smile on my face."

...............................................................................

I'll just note that the above is REAL even though it might not make any sense. That, I assure my dear readers, is purely intentional.

random moment of inspiration

Insignificant by nature
Yet, at times, sought after
To ease the pain in you
Though in truth, I'm in pain too;
Even if my being shall be lost
For you I'll pay any cost
The price of which I'll gladly bear
But to leave you in pain, I'll never dare;

I am a painkiller pill.

1000 Nights

Song credit goes to: Aqua Timez


"I want you to love me, but I dont think you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It's the only answer I have, even if I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'll say "I love you" only to the one I love...

Do you love me or not?
I don't care what the answer is, I just need to know!
There are many unchangeable things in this world
and my love for you can't be stopped by anyone

As I looked at the road I'd traveled and the path ahead,
my eyes were filled with cowardice
I wanted to look into your eyes, but was afraid I wouldn't be honest
I didn't want to know that you didn't love me
and live the rest of my days alone
That day, I'll keep on loving you even if I'm getting hurt

As 1000 nights pass, I long to tell you
I have to let you know
"I want you to love me, but I don't think you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It's the only answer I have, even if I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'll say "I love you" to the one I love
Even if my feelings aren't returned, I can say "I love you" only to the one I love
And that's the most beautiful thing in the world...

Tag! I'm it!

tag by azie

7 stuff about me:

1) a nocturnal creature
2) would love to write stories, poems, songs etc but somehow just can't seem to complete them
3) enjoys riding my bike to destination: anywhere
4) tend to become attracted to girls i can't have...silly me
5) currently undecided on this particular girl
6) i love the color black...just ask anyone!
7) would recommend the series "'Allo! 'Allo!" to anyone wishing to improve their English...British comedies are just superb!


7 fav songs:

1) L'arc~en~Ciel - "Daybreak's Bell"
2) Aqua Timez - "Sen no Yoru"
3) The Brilliant Green - "Ash Like Snow"
4) Stephanie - "Friends"
5) Hugh Grant - "Don't Write Me Off"
6) The Honorary Title - "Accident Prone"
7) Point Break - "You"

7 frequent utterances:

1) oro?
2) bleh
3) hmm?
4) hmm....
5) hmph!
6) heh?
7) what?


7 firsts:

1) 1st language - English
2) 1st ever gf - dear Alissa (Dec 2002 - May 2004)
3) 1st time witnessing somebody die in front of my eyes - Wendy Wong (Sep 14 2003)
4) 1st time played football - 1997
5) 1st school fight - 1999
6) 1st song album purchased - Backstreet Boys "Milennium"
7) 1st handphone - Nokia 3510 (Feb 2002 - Aug 2004)


7 scary stuff:

1) rising costs of living!
2) death
3) moral decadence
4) torture (physical, mental, emotional)
5) failing, screwing up
6) making the 1st move
7) war


7 valuable people/stuff:

1) family
2) friends
3) she
4) knowledge / experience
5) handphone
6) laptop
7) bike

Don't Write Me Off

It's never been easy for me
To find words to go along with a melody
But this time there's actually something on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines.

Since I met you my whole life has changed
It's not just my furniture you've re-arranged
I was living in the past but somehow you've brought me back,
and since then my life has been nothing short of blessed.

And though I know based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I'm asking you is don't write me off just yet...

Of death & of orphans

Moments ago, I got an SMS from 2nd ex-gf.


Ex: Salam. Ady...ari2 org gtau x abah da xde?

Me: Dh gtau dh aritu..nape tiba2 je bangkitkn topik ni?

Ex: Smlm mak lak xde. Da jd ank yatim piatu

Me: Innalillah...skrg dok mana?

Ex: Arau umah nenek...


al-fatihah....

Feeling sad for her. Her twin sis is in Bangalore for a short course until July; she couldn't make it back in time. Both her late parents were ill; her dad had a heart condition, her mum breast cancer. Their deaths were relatively close: her father passed away in January. One can imagine how devastating it must be to lose one parent after the other in such a short space of time.

I don't really have much to say, actually. I'm just sharing this in hope that anyone who reads this would say a word of prayer for this family. This, I hope, would also remind us of Allah s.w.t the Almighty and bring us closer to Him.

Thank you for your time.

Of water tanks & of "service with a smile"

For the past few days couple of days I've been stuck at home during the day because some parts of my house needed to be replaced and touched up. FYI, this house is older than yours truly so one can certainly imagine the condition of it.

This time, some areas of the ceiling needed patching up (lest we suffer from leakage when it rains) and my dad has (thankfully) commissioned some professionals to handle the case. Then there's also the replacement of the God-knows-how-old water tank. No description of the water tank is necessary; I will include a tell-tale picture later on. Apparently my dad had intended for this operation to take place sooner, but the fact that no one is around the house during the day kind of got in the way. So what better opportunity than the time that the prodigal son is at home during his semester break? Bleh.

The men came yesterday to have a look and clarify what needed to be done, what items we would need to buy and so on. After looking at the ceiling from inside the house (which includes the nasty rupture line in the bathroom ceiling) and from on top of the house, they decided that they couldn't start work immediately due to the rain clouds that had gathered in the sky and left. However, they did drop by a few hours later to store the items needed for their work.

Today, they speedily patched up the ceiling, removed the old water tank (making a loud ruckus while they were at it) and fixed up the new one from 10am to 3pm. And all the while I was at the table fighting as Aragorn, hacking and slashing away Sauron's minions in EA's The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. And after all the work's done (and the One Ring destroyed), here is what's left:

Now that I think about it, I can hardly believe we've been using water stored in THAT tank. Damn....

And as we can see here, the by-products of the whole operation. I bet the cats would have something to say about that.

..........................................................................

Earlier tonight, I rode my bike over to a nearby hypermarket (hint: its name starts with a 'T', theme color set = red, blue and white) to get some packs of soya bean, green tea and winter melon tea for the family. I loaded my basket with everything I intended to purchase and proceeded to one of the express lanes (supposedly 10 items or less). My turn eventually came.

Me: *nods and smiles at the cashier*

Cashier (a boy named "James"): *eyes fixated on the items, hands occupied with scanning and bagging each item*

Me: *visibly shocked by this lack of both eye contact and verbal interaction*

Cashier: *continues scanning and bagging*

Me: *waits expectantly for (at least) a "Good evening sir" which never came*

Cashier: *finished bagging the last item, turns the cash register screen to show amount to be paid without looking at the customers*

Me: *pays*

Cashier: *returns change and receipt, then starts scanning and bagging next customer's items WITHOUT A WORD*

Wow....talk about bonding with customers.

Phew, that was a long long post. If you have read all the way, I thank you for your patience (and subsequently applaud you for your diligence) :-D


Useless yet interesting info #1: The Guiness World Book of Records (Gamers Edition) record holder for the longest ever game title belongs to "The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-Earth II: The Rise of the Witch-King"

Of insomniacs & of anxiety [epilogue]

Finally, I managed to get some sleep yesterday!

I guess the body was too tired that the mind had to give in eventually, which spells the end of insomniac me. But here I am, staying up past my (relatively flexible) bedtime again the very next day. Guess some people just never learn huh? :-D

I never got to find out what caused the anxiety that costed me two nights of sleep. Guess I never will.

And...she finally picked up the phone for the first time in over a week! This would sound lame to most people, but gosh! I felt my world brighten up when she said "hello". She's fine, perhaps a wee bit occupied with her time at home. We talked for about 20 minutes; my best 20 minutes of today. Credit well spent. :-D

God, I miss her... (*^_^*)

Could that be the reason I was anxious for the past few days?

..........

.................

...............................

............................................









.................maybe.

Of insomniacs & of anxiety

Somehow, I find myself still awake at this hour.

Tried to do some more work; the mind can't focus. Tried to play games instead; got tired of them before I could finish. Tried to watch ASTRO; there's nothing good to watch.

My eyes tire, its lids are ready to close, but the brain refuses to co-operate. Something's bothering me, but I don't know what.

Damn I hate it when I don't know what's going on with myself.

Bleh.


PS: Happy birthday to my friends Devin & Tqah :-)

Of intros & of acquaintance

So yeah, here the latest in my series of blogs.

I don't do introductions (hehehe) because I'd rather people get to know me through my writings. But then again, the majority of the audience of this blog (if not all) would be people who know me anyway, so I guess no harm done there.

For those of you who don't know me: yeah, I am that kind of guy.

Erm, for this blog, expect incessant ramblings coming from my highly warped mind, or else from my equally volatile feelings. This may bore some, but then again this is probably the most straightforward you'll get me to be, so why not? Often I don't speak my mind; I'm accustomed to watching things take their natural course.

Which is why I love music. When I listen to a song with lyrics that I can appreciate and connect to, I feel better. And music gives me words when I don't know how to say what I want to say. But in the end, I don't say them anyway.

Which is why she remained clueless for the past 2 years :-)

So apart from ramblings and rantings (and anything else along those lines), I'll most likely post song lyrics that I feel are interesting.

So there you have it: first post. Thanks for reading thus far, hope to see you again soon :-)